100 things Bella has learned
by Unique.Freak.x
Summary: A list of things Bella has learned the hard way. . . . .
1. 1 to 25

100 things Bella has learned 

**1. Edward is a vampire.**

**2. There are no voices.**

**3. Grass is the squishy green thing covering everything.**

**4. Mike Newton will never give up.**

**5. Jumping of cliffs is bad.**

**6. She has no privacy.**

**7. She can't hide things from Alice.**

**8. Edward will always be beautiful.**

**9. Her stomach needs to be fed because it growls whenever she's with Edward.**

**10. Charlie has a moustache that needs to be respected.**

**11. Charlie is an angel.**

**12. Charlie has a gun.**

**13. Punching Jacob is bad.**

**14. Punching werewolves is bad.**

**15. Alice will always throw parties.**

**16. Alice doesn't listen.**

**17. Not to let Emmett near anything sharp enough to kill her.**

**18. Not to let Emmett near anything full stop.**

**19. Not to play baseball. **

**20. She isn't clumsy, the ground just likes her . . alot.**

**21. She's not a magnet for danger, its called being very unlucky.**

**22. Please is a new weapon of mass destruction.**

**23. No matter how many times she asks Edward is not going to have sex with her while she is wearing sweatpants.**

**24. She needs to use deodorant around vampires with a super sense of smell.**

**25. She likes eggs.**

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**I know its random.**

**Please Review **

**I'll update 25 every chapter , so only 3 to go :) **


	2. 26 to 50

**100 things Bella has learned**

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26. She should stop dying for people that can't die.

27. Sometimes she needs to take a chill pill.

28. She is a sex addict.

29. She needs to get over her problem with Jewellery.

30. Her best friend is a werewolf.

31. Her daughter touches people. . .

32. Edward used to bite people who had been naughty . . .

33. She doesn't need to practise kissing on the back of her hand 'cause she has Jacob to practise on.

34. Emmett and Rosalie have sex to much.

35. Edward dazzles people.

36. She will never be able to look at feathers without blushing or having dirty flashbacks ever again.

37. Approaching strangers gives her a free motorbike ride.

38. To keep Tanya away from Edward.

39. Not to trust Emmett with any embarrassing information.

40. When Alice is around there will always be a makeover.

41. Her Husband sparkles.

42. Everyone thought her husband was gay.

43. He could still be gay.

44. She could be a man.

45. She needs to check if she is.

46. Her husband is a drug addict.

47. She needs to get him to talk to someone about his problem.

48. She was a fresh home-grown drug and Edwards own brand of heroin.

49. Edward shouldn't have his own brand of heroin because its illegal.

50. The Cullens seem to have a problem with blood.

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By the way this is after breaking dawn but is making references to when she was human.

So review and I'll be the happiest girl in the world ! Merry Christmas and a Happy new year :) only another 2 chapters now :)

I won't be updating until the beginning of January hopefully the 3rd or 4th.

but I already have it all written out with a suprise at the end ;)


	3. 51 to 75

**100 things Bella has learned**

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51. Carlisle and Esme might seem polite but they have sex too.

52. Esme hasn't got a frame with all her graduation caps hung up.

53. No one has asked if Esme would like to repeat High school.

54. That Victoria might fancy her that's why she keeps hunting her down.

55. Birthday parties are lethal.

56. Her Grandma appears in her dreams and is going to take Edward away from her.

57. Vampires can smell when she's on her womanly time of the month.

58. She can never have enough lingerie when it comes to seducing Edward.

59. Aro touches people . . .

60. Jane really likes seeing people in pain.

61. Felix is not a cat.

62. The Volturi are old.

63. The people in Volterra are stupid 'cause they think that all the vampires were forced out by an amazing dead person.

64. That dead person who is a vampire.

65. That dead person who is a vampire is still living in Volterra with some of the most powerful vampires ever.

66. Even though she is married to a vampire and best friend of a werewolf, she will never meet a wizard called Harry Potter.

67. Sharing a sleeping bag with a werewolf will get him to fantasise about her.

68. Edward thinks about her all the time.

69. Edward has seen her naked.

70. James is sick.

71. James makes death videos and sells them to vampires as porn.

72. Victoria got angry because she didn't know how to carry on the family business.

73. That Edward has OCD.

74. Edward is possessive.

75. Not to fart near a vampire. If it's loud, it's embarrassing and if it's silent, it's extra deadly to them.

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Review, please and hope you had a great Christmas and an awesome new years party.


	4. 76 to 100 and ending

**100 things Bella has learned**

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76. Esme makes free food.

77. Edward watches her eat because its his fetish.

78. The Cullen family have an open relationship.

79. Even though they have super speed, strength , hearing and smell. . . .Vampires can't and never will be able to fly.

80. She is graceful.

81. Everyone is waiting for they day that she slips up so they can laugh at her again.

82. Heels still don't agree with her. They make her bum stick out because she walks funny.

83. She feels the urge to let Lions strip her whenever she goes hunting.

84. Her daughter is in a relationship with a man 17 times her age.

85. Jake moves on quick.

86. Renesmee isn't in the baby names of the year book.

87. Demetri doesn't need to use a people finder on facebook to find people.

88. Emmett will beat her at an arm wrestle when her newborn strength is gone.

89. Vampires steal her clothes because they like to play dress up.

90. That no one has tried making a vampire dog . . .

91. A vampire dog probably wouldn't be able to be house trained.

92. Qudditch won't work if Emmett throws Her while she is holding a broom.

93. Jumping of cliffs for recreational purposes is a stupid excuse! She should of said `I jumped of the cliff because I saw something shiny`.

94. No one is going to let her forget about the cliff incident.

95. She will always be in danger.

96. Emmett and Rose have gone through allot of houses.

97. Edward is rubbish at football because according to Emmett he hasn't scored.

98. Charlie is stupid because he doesn't understand the innuendos that Emmett makes while he is in the room.

99. Emmett was, is and always will be a total sex god.

"EMMETT!!" Bella screamed.

"Yes?" He asked, appearing with a toothy grin etched across his face.

"What is this?" She shoved the list into his hand and crossed her arms across her chest.

"Well, judging by the numbers and the title -" He said in a matter-of-factly voice, "I would say its a list."

"Yes, I can see that! But why did you write this list?" She asked feeling her temper rise.

"I was bored," He said shrugging his shoulders. "You might want to read number 100 on the list."

_100. Stay away from Emmett when he has paint._

"Wha-" Bella started to say but was cut off by being thrown out of the window into a swimming pool full of paint. "Damn you Emmett!"

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There we go its finished :) Maybe I'll make another one . . if I get asked to then I will . . hint hint . . nudge nudge. Haha I was laughing really loudly, earning a few weird looks from my mum, while writing this. I hope you found it as funny as I did.

Anyway please Review :)


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